Category: humor
The crabs crawl in, the crabs call out, the crabs play pinochle on your stout! And no, I'm not referring to the yummy tasty treats caught on the Deadliest Catch although they might share the same name. These are the kind that hang on to your personal region and play Tarzan with your pubes (If they make Tarzan cries too loud, just hit them with the shampoo). While crabs are not life threatening they are among a long laundry list of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) that plague UND and other college campuses across the nation (especially the University of Minnesota). STDs range from the burning kind, the itchy-scratchy kind, the dis-colorization kind that helps you blend into a rave party, the kind that makes certain body parts fall off, and the kind that kills you... slowly.
As an out of state student I learned a lot by coming to North Dakota such as how cold it can get on a clear day, how to make knoephla soup, and that people from all walks of life can appreciate the sport of hunting. In my old stomping grounds of Seattle, the only hunting is cougar hunting and it all takes place at the bars or at my alma mater during Mom's Weekend. Here in North Dakota, the women hunt, both democrats and republicans hunt, and even a guy I met from the Worker's World Party hunt, believing an armed population of peasants will be helpful in the next great October Revolution. There is a reason why the great film documentary Red Dawn did not take place in North Dakota, the movie would be too short. WOLVERINES!!!
To Twamley Hall we go! To pay off some bills! And learn some cool skills! But then we got stuck in the snow!
Thanks again to the UPD for the information on the subject. The decreasing number of motorcyclists on the road as well as the increase of fake-and-bake tanned women on campus are a sure sign winter is coming. And with winter comes the Holiday Season, where students will want to return to their roots (aka their parent's house) when the dorms kick them out for winter break. This means more traffic on the roads driven by out of state students who are typically not familiar with winter driving. It's hard enough not to hit oblivious students who aren't familiar with the crosswalks but it's even harder to navigate icy roads when fellow drivers are unaware of an amazing invention of modern science called a turn signal. Surviving winter driving in North Dakota is like crossing the street on campus; it requires common sense and a membership with Jiffy Lube.
Special thanks to the University Police Department at UND for the inspiration and related information! To many University Ave. is the main artery of campus; the route to which Deek's brings us our holy pizza, the road to which we proudly walk to class, the place where we often look to the flashing light thingy in front of the Chester Fritz to see just how far below zero the temperature is, and where many near-death crashes are avoided by quick application of the brakes. Anyone who has driven down University Ave has, at least once, nearly rammed/flattened an oblivious student that suddenly realized the sidewalk looked greener on the other side and walked in the middle of the road to get there and right into oncoming traffic.
For me Halloween is a chance to put my wits (or lack thereof) to the test as I'd go through my closet, sift through all the knick knacks and colorful magazines to find the perfect combination for a costume. One particular year I wore a diaper, took a Jack Daniels bottle, placed a pacifier on the end and went as Baby Huey. Another year I dyed by hair blond, straightened the curls, wore a black shirt with aviators and went as Johnny Bravo. On a college campus, costumes get considerably more colorful as guys try to prove who looks the most like The Crow, the ladies compete over who looks the most revealing in a school girl outfit, and the geeks fight over whose Jedi or Master Chief costume is the most authentic.
It's been a week since the campus-wide smoking ban took effect and the rebels are already out in force. Some smoke near buildings in open defiance, their heads hung high. Others are purchasing expensive cigars at Happy Harry's and are lighting up like millionaires across from campus, a musical ensemble gathered outside of Twamley Hall to conduct a wheezing rendition of "We Shall Overcome" and the pot smokers are in a daze over what to do. Meanwhile the European students had to resort to chewing gum or face "Don't Pass Gas" death squads and their fire extinguishers.
As I walked down University Ave today I stopped to look around. The autumn leaves were strewn across the grounds, the temperature around 60 with a light gentle breeze carrying the crisp aroma of *sniff* beer? I quickly checked the date. Sure enough, it was the first week of October and Oktoberfest was well underway. Few in the United States are aware of the historical origins or cultural significance of Oktoberfest but who cares about weddings between inbreeding aristocrats and German Reunification when you can get lots of cheap beer?! For college students it is a time of fellowship and fun times as they play traditional drinking games such as Drunk Eye for the Sober Girl and Coyote Ugly Peek-A-Boo.
So now that we've covered the basic vices of your introduction to college, allow me to introduce you to the omnipotent forces that make the college world go round; that surrounds us, penetrates and binds the galaxy together and I'm not referring to Force. I am referring to none other than the universal currency of pizza, porn and beer.
So after going through with walking across the high school stage in a bathrobe to get your diploma, all the congrats parties, all the shopping, packing, goodbyes and moving you're finally standing in the doorway of your new home and chances are it's not the Playboy Mansion.
Alas, as I sit here in my campus apartment I am loathing in the burning heat as the current temperature in here is over 95 degrees Fahrenheit. In the last few hours I've cursed aloud, over and over; oh how I wish I had spent $75 for a simple aid conditioner and not a night of "fun" at Hooters... their buffalo wings suck.
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